"When I am afraid..."

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."
Psalm 56:3

There are few things more uncomfortable than the crippling feeling of anxiety.  It is all consuming.  Gut wrenching.  Horrible and awful.  I know, because I have struggled with it my entire life.  When I was a little girl, learning to make friends.  When I was 8 years old, coping with the thought of my parents' divorce (which never happened - praise God!)  At age 18, leaving for college.  At 26, giving birth to my first child.  And on, and on.  Throughout my journey there have been definite peaks and valleys, but it always comes and goes, and never fully disappears.  Meds or no meds, I'm an anxious girl.

And so it is...that our sweet little Jackson Scott is his mother's son.  And he, too, struggles with anxiety.  And that right there, the feeling of watching your child go through feelings of worry and fear, that might be the hardest thing ever.  To watch him struggle through something because he is obedient, all the while looking back to us to rescue him.  To answer his questions every single morning as he anticipates what is to come that he is afraid of.  To reassure him that it really is going to be okay, and that I won't let anything hurt him.  To drop him off at Sunday School, or the sitter, in tears as he begs me not to leave him there.  To hear him plead with us not to take him back to swimming lessons.  Heart wrenching.

I never knew just how difficult being a mother would be.  Sure, the sleepless newborn nights were difficult.  Sure, the potty training was tough, and the tantrums and behavioral corrections can wear on me.  But this emotional connection to my child...feeling his anxiety as he feels it, and fighting the urge to rescue and protect him from life.  It's pretty much the most difficult thing I've ever done.

We took J to swimming lessons tonight.  I sat there and watched him do everything the instructor asked him to do.  And I watched him fight back (and not fight back) tears throughout the entire lesson.  He kept looking back at us with tears running down his cheeks, saying "I want to go home."  When he was done with his lesson, we scooped him up and hugged him, and told him that he did a great job.  When we got home, we talked with him about his fears.  I told him that I was afraid of swim lessons when I was his age, too.  And that I kept going, and I learned how to swim, and then I wasn't afraid anymore.  I told him that we would be right there, watching him the whole time.  I told him that he was safe, and we wouldn't let anything happen to him.  I hugged him, and I let him cry.  And when he asked me if we had to go back tomorrow, I said yes.

I don't know what happened to me tonight, but I am overwhelmed with feelings of unworthiness.  Unworthy to be the mother of this precious one.  Unworthy to be the one to mold this little life and help him navigate this world.  Just unworthy.

Lord, I need you now more than ever before.  I need your help to be a better momma to Jackson.  I need the strength to keep it together when I know that he is falling apart.  And I need to trust that you have entrusted him to Scott and me.  That you have given us the knowledge and the wisdom to raise him to love you, and to trust you through all of his fears and worries.  And that you know what he needs even better than I do, so sometimes all I need to do is just pray.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."


In memory of Bluefish #1

We were excited about our new pet.  
Less than 24 hours later, we changed his water.  
We (I) froze him to death with aforementioned water.  
And then we got Bluefish #2.  
The End.

A weekend with PP&J

iPad time

Heading to the park

Feeding those duckies 

Sweet Preston

These 3 have so much fun together!

Parker, you are awesome buddy!

Time for a little fishin' 
Rub a dub dub...3 cousins in a tub!

DMB '13

Headed to The Waidas for dinner before the concert.
We are on concert # 5 or 6 together.  Love it!

Some of my favorite people in the whole wide world.

Until next year, Dave!

Mother's Day '13

Jackson loves his Nanna

Blessings all around - an incredible mother, and Nanna to Jackson

So thankful to be the mother of this precious little one!

Seesters!  Love love love her!

A momma and her girls!